À la carte
Seven paths to forgiveness. Pick yours.
Superbia — Pride
“Humility is a virtue for those with nothing to be proud of.”
You knew from the moment you walked in that your colleague's presentation was mediocre. That management keeps making the wrong calls. That your taste, style, and opinions are objectively correct. Pride isn't a flaw. It's self-awareness without the unnecessary humility. This certificate confirms that you are certain you are superior.
Invidia — Envy
“Comparison is the thief of joy. Who doesn't compare, really?”
They got the promotion you deserved. Their holiday photos look like an ad campaign. Their relationship is everything yours should be. Envy is self-love misdirected at the wrong target. This certificate won't help you enjoy your own life. Yet you will be officially absolved for being unable to enjoy theirs.
Ira — Wrath
“If you lost your patience — you know precisely that you had some.”
Traffic. Customer service. Political news. Family gatherings. Some idiot in the comments. Wrath is a natural response to an unnatural world. The problem is your nervous system sees no difference between a genuine threat and someone standing in the wrong place in a queue. This certificate won't help you manage your emotions — it will simply put them officially on record.
Acedia — Sloth
“Don't do today what you'll need tomorrow — by the day after, you might not need it at all.”
Emails need answering. Exercise needs starting. The project needs finishing. The storage room needs sorting. Family members need calling. Just a few more scrolls first. Sloth is the will not to act when there is so much to be done. This certificate won't do your work for you. But getting it is already something you did today.
Avaritia — Greed
“Money doesn't create happiness. But at least you get to choose which floor to be miserable on.”
Another raise, another investment portfolio, another property. Someday, theoretically, there will be enough. But not now. And not for you. Greed is just ambition — and this certificate is one more achievement on an ambitious person's ledger.
Gula — Gluttony
“Moderation is a virtue. Whoever invented it probably never had a good chef.”
It was a special evening. Or an ordinary one. Or just a Wednesday. The restaurant was good, the wine appropriate, and somehow everything was gone sooner than planned. Gluttony isn't limited to food. It's excess in general. Netflix until 3am counts too. The certificate covers everything there was too much of. No itemized list required.
Luxuria — Lust
“Sin begins in the mind. The certificate — here.”
Thoughts are free. Actions are more complicated. This certificate covers both, since your conscience rarely makes the distinction. Lust existed before the internet. The internet just made it more convenient. Certificate issued without additional questions. Details are not required.